Most Barryful Time of the Year
[Obama] “Hey! Who’s there?”
[Ghost #1] “Barry, I am the ghost of Presidencies Past.”
[Obama] “You look kinda like Reagan. Go away.”
[Ghost] “No, Barry, I have some things to show you.”
Nearby, a sleep apnea machine makes Darth Vader noises as it clings to the face of a slumbering Michelle. Barry feels himself leaving his body and taking on a ghostly form.
[Ghost] “Don’t be alarmed. You’re going to have a vision.”
[Obama] “The only nighttime visions I have are of cute little Brazilian chicas with nice hardware. Knock it off and let me sleep. I’ve been under a lot of stress and I need the rest.”
[Ghost] “No, Barry. You’re coming with me for a while.” [Ghost takes a firm grip of spectral Barry and gives him a yank] “Let’s go.”
[Obama] “Michelle, wake up! You gotta help me!”
Michelle does not respond. The Ghost of Presidencies Past drags an unwilling Obama back to Berlin in the ’80s…
[Ghost] “Have you seen this wall before?”
[Obama] “Yeah, some pictures. I think they left a piece of it standing as some kind of sad memorial. I liked it better when the wall was still standing. Now East Germany has been absorbed by the capitalist West and the whole thing is a mess.”
[Ghost] “This is where I told Gorby to tear the wall down. You have been playing footsie with the Evil Empire. Socialism worldwide is on the decline. Even the squishy euros are realizing that it is untenable. You are on the wrong side of history. It will not end well for you.”
[Obama] “That’s only ‘cuz they’ve never had somebody as smart as me running their lives. If I had been born 20 years sooner, I could have saved them from these troubles. You just watch. I’m going to prove you wrong, wrong, wrong.”
[Ghost] “It is evident that you just don’t get it. You must not be checking your poll numbers, or you’d know I’m right. I am wasting my time.”
[Ghost snaps his fingers and Barry returns to present reality.]
[Obama, sitting up in bed, startled] “Whew! It was just a dream!”
The following night, Obama is again visited…
[Ghost #2, looking like George Soros] “Barry, it’s me! I’m the Ghost of Presidencies Present! I have great things to show you!”
[Obama] “Oh, hey! Whassup?”
[Ghost #2 takes Obama by the hand and leads him to North Korea]
[Obama] “This is cool! I’ve only seen pictures, but it looks even better in real life! I gotta hand it to Li’l Kim, he sure knows how to run a country and redistribute wealth.”
[Ghost #2] “My student, you are learning well. Soon you will have this kind of power. All it will cost you is the wealth of your country – given to me. I will be the first trillionaire, and you will be the first Exalted World Ruler!”
[Obama] “Oh, that day can’t come soon enough for me! Bring it on!”
[Ghost #2] “Patience, my student. Patience. That has always been your weakness. But I will train you well. Let us return…” [Ghost #2 snaps fingers, Obama returns to peaceful sleep]
[Ghost #2, under his breath as he looks down on a content Barry] “What a maroon. He believes everything I tell him. Bwaaahaaahaaaa!”
The next day, there is yet another visitor…
[Ghost #3, looking like Sarah Palin] “Mr. President, I am the Ghost of Presidencies Future. I have much to show you.”
[Obama] “Gaah! Get out of here! Rahm, get in here and deal with this!”
[Ghost #3] “Rahm isn’t here. He can’t hear you.”
[Obama] “Nonsense! Rahm is always there for me!”
[Ghost #3] “Not this time. It is just the two of us. I will show you the future.”
[Obama] “Rahm! I don’t know what you’re fertilizing the arugula with, but it is giving me nightmares!”
[Ghost #3] “This isn’t a nightmare, it’s more of a vision…”
[Obama] “You mean I’m trippin’? No way. I don’t do that anymore. Last time I tried that I woke up with Larry Sinclair’s face in my lap and my asshole was sore. There’s no way!”
[Ghost #3] “Too Much Info!! TMI!!”
[Obama] “Yeah, I didn’t like it much, either. So let’s just not and say we did.”
[Ghost #3] “You must see. You must see.” [Ghost #3 takes Barry by the wrist and whisks him into the future]
[Obama] “What’s with that huge crowd in the National Mall?”
[Ghost #3] “That’s the crowd of admirers at my third re-election party.”
[Obama] “Whaaa?”
[Ghost #3] “Yep! You screwed things up so badly that you lost congressional majorities in 2010 and I stomped you in 2012. With my mandate, I got term limits imposed on congress. So all your old allies are now out picking beans.”
[Obama] “Seriously?”
[Ghost #3] “You betcha!”
[Obama] “Who’s that?”
[Palin] “That’s your youngest daughter. It’s prom night, but nobody would ask her out because you are universally despised. So she’s all alone and crying.”
[Obama] “Me? People hate me? That can’t be.”
[Ghost #3] “Oh, for sure. Your wife left you. Your kids talk smack about you. Even Iran used to talk smack about you, before I nuked them into silence.”
[Obama] “I can’t let this happen! What can I do? Please tell me it is not too late!”
[Ghost #3] “No, there’s still time. All you have to do is fire all your commie czars, balance the budget, and drill for oil everywhere. You pretty much have to become the opposite of you.”
[Obama] “Dang. I really, really like me. I don’t know if I can do that!”
[Ghost #3] “OK, then! See ya in 2012!”
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Bows to Saudi princes and Japanese emperors and Tampa mayors but NOT to Catholic popes, while ignoring the Dalai Lama. I assume, then, he reveres only government figures. No wonder he hasn't chosen a District of Criminals church yet; he thinks he lives in one.
Get yours 
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I love tales with a happy ending.
Nice story! I especially loved the ending as well.
Expanding the ranks, Snarky Basterd? Innominatus is a good addition to your fold of snark masters.
Good post! Though, unlike Scrooge, Barry has far too much unwarranted self importance to recognize the error of his ways.
Obama] “You mean I’m trippin’? No way. I don’t do that anymore. Last time I tried that I woke up with Larry Sinclair’s face in my lap and my asshole was sore. There’s no way!”
—————
Hahahahahaaaaa.
Great job.
This was inspired, Dave, Innominatus does some great work with his stories. It was better than scrooge.
If only…
Too bad the 3rd ghost didn’t show Barry’s future—shivering in the cold in North Korea where he fled one step ahead of a mob of revengeful democrats. Revengeful democrats outraged ’cause ol’ Barry had royally screwed them.
Damn shame they didn’t DROP the bastard…
Love it! Charles Dickens move over.
That was good! I liked the part about the wall and Sarah. Past and future colliding with the present in a wonderful nightmare where the secret service can’t be of help and Rahm can’t be found.
That had me LMAO! Obama is such a puppet with Rahm and others pulling his strings. I loved the part when nobody was around to help Obama.
Thanks for getting back to me! I’m going to add you right now. Take care.
Jason
DEBATEitOUT.com
Brilliant! Charles Dickens would be proud.
Yeah, bring on 2012. Garbage collection will be long overdue.
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Hope America as we know her will still be here in 2012.
You betcha… that was good looong time!!!