Imagine … Peace
Ok, I appreciate Snarky Basterd’s so-called “bipartisanship” in letting me come to this conservative hate site and speak about truth, reason and peacefulness to one and all. He’s only doing it because, otherwise, nobody would want to read all this right-wing propaganda. For now it feeds my purposes, so I won’t complain. There will be time later for me to destroy Snarky Basterd (if that’s even his real name), but today I will contain my peaceful energies and allow him to continue polluting the world with his insidious, poisonous presence … while using him to my own ends.
Today’s subject, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is “Peace.” Peace, everyone thinks, is when you stand around chanting pagan energy blessings from the Wiccan Book of Shadows. Sometimes that’s true of course, but often, whether you believe it or not, being Peaceful is simply seeking out and destroying conservatives wherever you find them, and in whatever method is handy at the time. Here are but a few examples:
Imagine you’re in the city, on the way to Whole Foods just minding your own business, when you see someone smoking a cigarette. Rather than put up with walking near them and smelling that awful, deadly, obnoxious stench, you decide to protect yourself and everyone around you. Bravely, you decide to take a stand. “Excuse me sir,” you exclaim, pointing off into the distance, “I believe I see Sarah Palin over there!” When the obvious right-wing fanatic tobacco lover turns his head to gaze lovingly upon his Valkyrie Goddess of Hate, you reach into your reusable Earth-friendly shopping bag, take out the brick you keep there for occasions just like this, and you hit the racist defiler over the head and proceed on your way. By the way, do not put out the cigarette – leave that as a subtle reminder to others…
Imagine you’re walking into your local Whole Foods market after a recent encounter with a tobacco smoker, in search of organic, environmentally sustainable shade grown coffee, when you spot an obviously conservative womyn over in the meat-is-murder section (which, incidentally, they keep around for occasions such as this). You know this womyn is a conservative because she’s wearing makeup, a pretty skirt, and is wearing jewelry (to show that she’s nothing but property in the eyes of our male-oppressor society). Casually, you sidle up to her, as if you are looking for “some burgers” to take back home to the “kids and my strong, hansom bread winner” back at the “old homestead over yonder”. If you phrase it properly, this consumer of innocent, wild animals from Gaea’s complex biosphere won’t notice that you are comfortable in your sexuality and firm in your liberated convictions. She’ll probably just keep rummaging around through all the horrible red meat, searching frantically for something appalling to bring home to her multitudes of right-wing babies…and that’s when you strike her powerfully from behind, with the brick you keep with you at all times in your Earth-friendly shopping bag. Then you quickly leave.
Imagine you’re on the way home one day from Whole Foods, you see someone “walking” a dog on a slave leash. This is terrible, so you hit the person on the head (with a brick) and let the dog go free.
Some of you may be saying, “Candle, this doesn’t seem peaceful, this seems violent”. Do not be fooled: it is very peaceful. When you consider that conservatives have killed hundreds of millions of people, animals and trees over the years, and will certainly kill again, you will realize that peacefulness is a blessing that I am bestowing to everyone. Peacefulness is the only way to bring these caretakers of death and decay to a metaphysical state where they can do no harm, and this is a good thing.
By the way … for legal reasons I must caution you not to do any of these peaceful activities. I am simply talking about the concept of “peace”, and providing philosophical, and above all hypothetical, guidance of a spiritual nature, which is protected by our white-male-centric constitution, and thus I cannot be held responsible in any way. Additionally, any and all bricks used (or not used) must be completely de-radiated and have a 99% limestone-free composition if used in the state of California on or after April 4, 1997.
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Bows to Saudi princes and Japanese emperors and Tampa mayors but NOT to Catholic popes, while ignoring the Dalai Lama. I assume, then, he reveres only government figures. No wonder he hasn't chosen a District of Criminals church yet; he thinks he lives in one.
Get yours 
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Funny… but if this was for real, I’d be aggravated that someone is trying to put me out of business… Do I go around trying to interfere with others’ livelihood? No… OK, maybe a few terrorists here and there…
Never mind.
I would never put anyone out of business….but choices and competition are important in the economy of the future. Also, there’s no such thing as a so-called “terrorist” Jamie, sheesh. That’s so Sept. 2001. I don’t even listen to MUSIC from then anymore.
I have practiced the peace whereof you speak. Does anyone know a good bail bondsman?
Hello again YM, it has been a while. Hope you are doing well.
Candle, you are one twisted S.O.B.
Thank you Opus, you are also a Source Of Beauty (S.O.B) –
Funny stuff Candle….although I don’t see where hitting someone over the head with
a brick is promoting “Peace”. Keep the doggies on their leashes too, I don’t want them to
get into traffic.
The great philosopher Hungadunga Marx once said, “If you keep a dog on your leash, do not be surprised if one day you too shall be leashed, and hit on the head with something brick-like”. I didn’t write that – he did. If its good enough for Hungadunga, its good enough for me.
Not sure what to make of this, this is satire right, cos this candle fellow is doing a really good impersonation of a leftist scumbag.
Impersonation?!
Priceless, Candle. Thanks for the giggle I’ll be sure to carry a brick in my environmentally-friendly shopping tote wherever I go…
If you’re like me, you didn’t know anything about bricks until you went shopping for a good one. Like me, you’ll probably be totally floored by all the types and sizes. I’ve found “structural bricks” (as opposed to “face bricks” or “pavers”) offer the best balance between heft and aerodynamics, due to the little holes in the middle.
Here’s a great guide:
http://www.lowes.com/lowes/lkn?action=howTo&p=BuyGuide/Brick.html
Good advice, Candle. I always carry a fire brick in my cloth tote. Since I am arthritic, I must shift hands often but the pain is worth having the brick handy when I need it.
Great post Candle. I will be wary of environmentally friendly shopping totes in the future. Actually, perhaps we should ban them. After all, environmentally friendly tote bag related crime is obviously on the rise!
Matt, if you make environmentally friendly totes illegal, then only criminals will have environmentally friendly toes. Look at countries that ban these toes – just look at the crime rate. Totally super high.
Toes. Heh.
Ah … just shoot me an email next time. I have a handy dandy editor that can fixes those typos life Freddie Prinze could fix an engine on Chico and the Man.
Hehe ok
So that was you at the Whole Foods? I still have a small bump on my head…
Tag and release, that’s my motto.
Candle:
Great advice and I’ll steer clear of those earth-friendly-tote toters from now on.
Glad to see you here at Snarkey’s blog. Enjoyed the post!
Thanks Lady, I’m trying to get back in the swing of things. Hectic offline life atm
oh Candle, how I’ve missed you and your guiding light.
Wow…; I never knew…its all so clear now. mmm-mmm-mmm. so peaceful.