Barry Questionable Answers

[Jeopardy! music plays]

[Announcer] “Here’s Alex Trebec!”

[Alex] “Welcome to a very special Celebrity Jeopardy!  Let’s meet today’s contestants, and find out which charity they are playing for.”

[Obama] “Hi.  I’m, uh, the President of the US.  I’m playing for ACORN, since their funding has really gotten hammered lately.  Hopefully I can help them out.”

[Jessica Simpson] “Hi, I’m Jessica.  I can’t remember the name of the foundation I’m playing for, but they help models and actresses afford lots of new shoes.  It’s a very good cause.”

[Wolf Blitzer] “Hi, I’m Wolf.  I’d just like to thank the Jeopardy! studios for allowing me a second shot at this.  When I was last here, I had taken far above the recommended dosage of cough syrup and it really hurt my play.  I hope to do better this time, and I’m playing for the National Association of Self-Loathing Jews Who Can’t Score with Women.”

[Alex] “Very well.  Let’s reveal today’s categories:  The Rennaisance, Me First – where the correct response will begin with the letters “emm eee”, US Constitution, Catch Some Zzzs, Famous Texans, and finally Rivers of the World.  Mr. President, select first.”

[Obama] “Oooh!  Me First for $200, Alex!”

[Alex] “This cloven-hoofed ruler of the Underworld…”

[Obama] “ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!”

[Alex] “Sorry, that’s incorrect.  We’re looking for a question that starts with M E.  Anyone?”

[Wolf] “Who is Medusa?”

[Alex] “Sorry, that is incorrect, but you’re on the right track. Jessica?”

[Jessica] “As if!”

[Alex] “Mr. President, select again.”

[Obama] “Oooh! Oooh!  ME First for $400, Alex”

[Alex] “This geological era forms the bridge between the Cenozoic and the Paleozoic.”

[Obama] “ME!  Who is Barack Hussein Obama!?”

[Alex] “Incorrect.  Anyone else?” [silence] “We were looking for ‘mesozoic.’  Mr. President, you don’t seem to understand the way the questions in this category work.  Each correct…”

[Obama, angrily interrupting] “Listen, Alex, I know what “ME FIRST!” means.  This is just a bunch of racist junk to make me look bad.”

[Alex] “Sir, I assure you that is not the case.  When, and I do say ‘when’ not ‘if’ one of the white contestants says anything as absurd, I’ll give them appropriate scorn as well.  Select again.”

[Obama] “Famous Texans for $200″

[Alex] “This legendary quarterback traded his blue & gold collegiate colors for the lone star of Dallas”

[Obama] “Who is Tony Romo?”

[Alex] “Judges?” [pause] “Sorry, that is not correct.  Romo wore blue and gray in college.”

[Jessica] “Yeah, he’s not really legendary.  More of a choke artist if you ask me.”

[Wolf] “Who is Troy Aikman?”

[Alex] “Correct!  Also acceptable would be Roger Staubach.”

[Obama, really upset] “Hey judge!” [trying to sound like Heath Ledger] “Why so tightass?  I bet when you fart it sounds like a dog whistle!”

[Alex] “Sir, this is family programming.  Please don’t make us bleep you out.”

[Obama] “Really?  You’re fu[bleep]ing my bleedin’ ass  with a cactus!  That’s what I think!” [Yells into crowd] “Hey, Rahm!  Find out who this judge guy is and give him the full Joe-the-Plumber treatment.  I want you to totally Roto-Rooter him!”

[Alex, unsettled] “Wolf, please select a category.”

[Wolf] “Catch some Zzz’s for $200, Alex”

[Alex] “This semi-autonomous region of East Africa is noted for its spices and its involvement in the shortest war ever, lasting only 38 minutes.”

[Obama] “What is Zambia?”

[Alex] “Sorry, that is incorrect.”

[Obama] “Hey, I know what I’m talking about, here!  I know all about east Africa!  Zambia is right next door to Kenya where I was bor… Uh, um, ah, scratch that.  Nevermind.”

[Wolf] “What is Zaire?”

[Alex] “Sorry, that is incorrect.  Jessica?”

[Jessica] “What is Zanzibar?”

[Alex] “Correct!  I must ask, how did you know that?”

[Jessica] “I just got this really cool lipstick in the color of Zanzibar Red.  I didn’t know what Zanzibar was, so I google’d it.  Just yesterday, in fact.  Yay!”

[Alex] “Jessica, select a category”

[Jessica] “I’ll take The, um, Rennyscience for $200″

[Alex] “I’m pretty sure I know what you meant, so here’s the answer: This artist spent years on his back painting the Sistine Chapel.”

[Obama] “Who is Maya Angelou?”

[Alex] “Judges?” [pause] “Close enough.”

[Obama] “What’s the matter, judge?  Check didn’t clear?  Thank you very little!”

[Intolerably long scene of dumb answer after dumb answer deleted for your sanity......]

[Alex] “Mr. President, you have shattered the previous record for the greatest deficit in one game.  You are now at -$336,000.  Normally we’d allow you $1000 to compete in Final Jeopardy, but we just can’t afford to give you any more money.”

[Omama pouts]

[Alex] “Wolf, you, too are in the hole by quite a bit.  I think we should just skip Final Jeopardy and declare Jessica Simpson our new champion, with a grand total of $200.

x-posted at innominatus

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Tags: Alex Trebec, innominatus, Jeopardy!, Jessica Simpson, Obama, Satire, Uncategorized

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